What Would I Do?

I've always thought slightly ahead of my time. When I was eleven to thirteen, suicide was often thought of. It wasn't a results of rash desire to hide myself from the world. To not counter in a more healthy manner the problems that made me feel as if I was folding.In some ways perhaps, yes, I didn't want to face what I felt. But when your feeling what others have on their souls, maybe it becomes more understandable. What effected me wasn't a sad depressed person, as much as a lost and clueless. That is those able to live without any real connection to their inner self. A value I cherished in myself. Was haunting, chilling, and most of all empting when they were near me. And yes, there is a lot of them out there.What removed me from that action? Selfishness. No, not really my own in the desires about life, I don't have many. But knowing the effects of such an act, it's own selfishness and thief from others. I never attempted, but doubt I would have failed at the same time.Another place which was in my thoughts, was to retire by the age of thirty-five. I'm twenty three now, and not really sure if I am closer to that goal or farther away from it. Always a matter of the results of the crossroads. Current ones effect it greatly, at that.Now it may seem shallow to wish myself to money's end and retire. But, more is left my reasons why. What gain is of it in my mind to have this done, by thirty-five? Easy, I have too much I love in this world. Not near in the accounts of people themselves, but the desire to be humbled by the earth itself. Perhaps, at times, the effects mankind has on the earth.I value more then anything, to be able to give time to my mind, and the knowledge it might retain from it. And as a direct results, the entwinements of my writing with the deepest parts of my soul. So by it all, writing has been a driving force in just such a goal. Tell me, what sort of retirement do you really think I am after, in the end?Anyway, I love children. If I am not a father by that age, then I will be deeply saddened. For I have found nothing above God, that I adore more then the gift he has given us in the form of children.